Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.

Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

sistine chapel

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

Chicken bread

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.

I PASSED THE BAR!

On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

[antique store]

customer: I want something new for my living room

me: do… do you know what antique means

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.

beware of dog

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.