“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
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[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help