Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again

ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

*first day as an insurance salesman*

Customer: Can I get a quote?

Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰

Customer: …

Me: …

Customer: …

Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.

(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)

Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?

Me: uh… someone from Virginia

Just a phase…

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat: