me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
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Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.