When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
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[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Oh deer
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Most Common Source of Electricity
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
*bites zombie*
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks