Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
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It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.