My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
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STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.