Only 10 more days til Halloween!
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Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
the dark web is just a goth google.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em