Sounds about right. 😂🤣
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GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
bad
worse
worst
worchester
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry