Good dog. ❤️
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this isn’t threatening at all
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.