HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
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Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.