Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

sweet dreams💖

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow

I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.

When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord

Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?