Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

You look like you would fail a DNA test

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

There are usually two types of merchants.

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant