I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
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I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
For anyone who needs this today
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car