Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.

I’m pretty like a car crash.

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

accurate

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”

[1st date]

HER: So do you have any hobbies?

SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor

HER: What?!

HIM: Just ventriloquism

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]

Me: Oh. You’re staying?

Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard

I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶