Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.

Please bear with my nonsense…

…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.

I won every single event.

Every. Single. Event.

“And on the 7th day, He rested.”

Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet

ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke

CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s

ME:

CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.

“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.

My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.

Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot