I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
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the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I feel seen
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”