Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

welcome mats are just gateway rugs

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who’s coming over?

Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”

her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list

me: *writes* ‘chicken’

Me: how was school?

My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

“and how does that make you feel?”

ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911

17 animal photos that will make you do a double take

“I love this song!”

“This is my favorite song!”

“I love this song!”

“No, THIS is my favorite song!”

~ Me, listening to my own playlist

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”