Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america

I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual

awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls

*friends describing me on Dateline*

She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.

Random dm guy: What are you wearing?

Me: A scathing look of disdain

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.