Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.

Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu

— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024

You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor

Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”

Breaking news:

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

[SCIENCE FAIR]

ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.

the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison

i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

Time is precious, waste it wisely.

well well well, if it isn’t the holiday weight i said i wouldn’t have to worry about

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.