If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
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I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
back to work
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
found my next D&D character name
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
brian had himself a morning…
