Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
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You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.