Feels like there should be a middle ground
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Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Cause of death: Zumba
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”