Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.

Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.

When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.