Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
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date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.