Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway

My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero

True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…

We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE

My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.