That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
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the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
I drew y’all a little something.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Kidney stones? Hard pass
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry