Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
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[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
my mom making me talk to relatives
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.