Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan

Cat:

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.

one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.