Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

ME: Table for 7 please

WAITER: Hahahahahahaha

ME: 7-p-m. Just me

WAITER: Okay that makes more sense

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone

Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.

Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles

This could be us, but you weedin’.

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

Stop having all the sex, what if we run out

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉

My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER

Me: yeah ;(

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit

Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]