Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*

6yo: Are we there yet?

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.

Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle

coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

🤣🤣

One of the best

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.

My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

That’s enough internet for the day

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.