Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

This pepper has seen some shit

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

🖤✌🏽

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.

had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch

I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

Oops

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

This made me chuckle.