Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.

Oh to be a 1998 baby

✔️ first memory is 9/11

✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008

✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession

HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.

– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell

Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”

I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.

Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?

Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.

True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space

i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”

The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*