Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
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One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I cannot call her anything else now
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I love it all
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
checking out some reviews of my local library
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*