Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
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My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.