I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
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Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Go hard or stay average
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
The old gods are rising again.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.