Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
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They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree