The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
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I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
