Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever

Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

The Universe can have my atoms back.

I don’t want them anymore.

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you

Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal

Two types of dogs.

It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”

🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.