Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard

Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.

there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

Alexa; make it look like an accident

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.

Her: My husband is having an affair!

Me: Really? Who’s catering?

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

not to brag, but mine was free

Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

Everyone is always doing laundry

*changes name to laundry

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.