My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
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ok hear me out: Luigiana
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Science is fun!
#nottrue
why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it