Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.

Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

product manager: what color should we make the bottle

guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine

Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie

Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

Added some new forms of payment to this store…

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.