When someone says you are so lazy
You Might Also Like
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Smells like a challenge to me
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.