Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

Tonight: softball

Tomorrow: Advil

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

Not even remotely sorry.

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.

A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..

*golf swings*

Pennefactor.

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired