Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*visits random websites just for the cookies*

Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

😭😭😭

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS

*burglar alarm goes off*

me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work

We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.

[Christmas dinner]

Me [serving guests]: More ramen?

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No

interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time

I made popcorn.

Teen smelled popcorn.

I no longer have popcorn.

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii