Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming

I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag

Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”

*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business