When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Every house has this drawer
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow
Child: Turkey pancakes?!
Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.
Wife: I told you the bird was too big
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Huge if true.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
