making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
