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shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.