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I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”