can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
You Might Also Like
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
A comic by Dan Piraro
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut